Memory

by Pat Antonopoulos

One of my sisters has detail memory that is beyond my understanding. Because she is 18 months younger than I, we lived the same day to day through our high school years.
My high school memories are more smiles in the fog. Her memories are names, dates, lunch menus and who won what games during gym class. She can pull up conversation details from elementary school. And there I am, standing in that fog again, knowing how much I loved school but wondering if she and I attended on different planets.

Another sister and I went to daily Mass for many years. At this moment, I can experience the 'feeling' of the 6:00 A.M. walk to church, the time in childish prayer and the immersion in belief. Feeling is, again, what seems to matter most.

When my family gathers for holidays, there is that inevitable conversation peppered with 'remember when'---some laughter, some tears. Much of the picture isn't tucked away for me. The feelings are there and I can be overwhelmed not knowing exactly what triggered the quiet gasp.

Gatherings of retired teachers are huge store houses of what-we-should-have written-for-a-book moments. Again, the details...and I have over 25 years of feeling-storage. Often another person's words do bring up some specifics, but I usually have to work at finding them.

A friend speculated that I lived too much in the moment...that savoring the now kept me from holding the parts of the whole. This friend also said that I operated more emotionally than rationally so the rational details slipped away. Maybe...but I know I deeply miss what seems so elusive.