Enabling--- A Ramble Through That Mire

by Pat Antonopoulos

The word 'purchase' seems to be one of those vogue words that has popped up too often. "To gain purchase", reads like cliche. But there are times when the perfection of a cliche earns the repetition.

Enabling is a word of degree that, when taken to extreme, allows self destruction to gain that purchase--that ever increasing hold that fights off any attempts to break the pattern. Current culture facilitates a hunger for the mire. Reality television, book store sections of memoirs, and T.V. talk shows constantly turn the switch on a fleeting spotlight of fame. Ratings indicate that the audiences cannot get enough of the mire. Some of that hunger for ugliness helps to feed a solace perception that others are worse...that we are not that messed up.

As parents, we form a lifetime of enabling as the baby begins to learn independence, standing, crawling, walking, running. We are there to enable each step. The ability to sort comfort from responsibility is easily blurred. There are times when our hopes for the maturing child are confused with what will serve the child-to-adult. Enabling can become the habit that allows self-destructive behavior to gain that purchase.

For many of us, it takes years to differentiate between loving support and enabling.
Often, awareness seeps in long before we are hit with a wall that forces a debilitating wash of sadness over the guilt that brought a loved one to such a painful place. Even then we vacillate. We soothe by saying it was done with loving concern and the hope that one more toe hold up the ladder will be the step that makes a difference.

If we, the parent, have been parented poorly, we perceive ourselves as creating a safe place----a place that was not part of our nurture----always there, arms outstretched to soften the fall, soothe the ego, fight the battles, pay the toll, doing what was not done for us. We read the books on love with conditions, natural consequences, incentives, behavior contracts, seeking the help of experts---experts who neither know nor love our children. One more step in the process of enabling a sorting of a mire that has become overwhelming.

This blog IS a ramble. It reads like I am dropping weights on an equal arm balance but have no idea how to stabilize the pressures. A storm is pelleting soaking hail while I stand under a tattered umbrella of mostly spines and little fabric.

Which brings me, yet again, to you, dear reader. Those of you who are parents have thoughts to share, ways to balance, children to help. This blog is for you--for your story, success or failure, ways to enable all of us to improve our parenting, no matter the age of our children. Your input is encouraged and truly appreciated.